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Breaking the Silence – How to Open Up Emotionally When You’ve Been Holding Back

Writer's picture: Jane McGarveyJane McGarvey

You love your partner, but when it comes to talking about how you really feel, to deepening that love connection, it might feel like trying to climb a mountain without gear. Maybe it feels safer to keep things light, or maybe you’ve learned over the years to keep your emotions tucked away. Whatever the reason, opening up might not be your strong suit—and that’s okay. A lot of people find it hard to share their feelings.


But here’s the thing: emotional connection is what deepens relationships. Taking the risks to dig deeper and share more of who you are at a soul level may feel daunting, but it is essential, if you wish to grow your relationship.


I know, that might sound a bit “fluffy,” but it’s true. Opening up doesn’t mean becoming a blubbering mess or oversharing every tiny thought. It’s about letting your partner in a little more each day, so you can both feel closer and more understood.


So, if you’re someone who struggles to open up emotionally, this one’s for you. Let’s look at some simple, no-pressure ways to start reaching out to your partner, even when it feels uncomfortable.





1. Acknowledge That This Feels Weird

Talking about feelings can feel awkward if you’re not used to it, you might have to learn some new dialogue, you might need to find some patience for yourself to learn new ways of feeling. But here’s the deal: being vulnerable often feels a bit uncomfortable, because you do not have your walls of protection up . It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong; it means you’re stretching outside your comfort zone.


Don't get lazy and jump ship again because you are having trouble finding words.


Tip: Start small. You don’t need to have a “deep heart-to-heart” right off the bat. Begin with sharing something low-stakes, like why you’ve been feeling a bit stressed lately or what’s been on your mind.


2. Ask Yourself Why You Hold Back

Before you can reach out, it’s helpful to understand what’s stopping you. Are you afraid of being judged? Or maybe you think being vulnerable makes you look weak? Knowing why you shut down emotionally can help you challenge those beliefs and let your guard down little by little.


What does emotion mean to you?


In the past, when you have expressed emotions and it hasn't been well received.... have you felt picked on, mocked, sad. Those emotions are often isolating when you were a child, but are you still a child? Are you avoiding sharing because it is bringing up emotional memories of when it was not safe to express your emotional self? Adult/child reaction acting to remembered pain. Do you feel safe in your relationship so that you can look at these emotions as a point of growth, or do they truly still need to be avoided. Often we perceive our experiences as trauma, allowing them to hold us back. But trauma can always be a platform for growth if you feel safe enough to explore them and their impact on your life. The past only determines the future if you agree to that.


Lashing out is crying out for attention.


Tip: If you grew up in an environment where emotions weren’t discussed, recognize that emotional communication might feel foreign. It’s okay if it takes time to unlearn old habits.


3. Give Your Partner a Heads-Up

You don’t need to dive into the deep end out of nowhere. Let your partner know that you’re working on opening up.


Believe me, they’ll appreciate the heads-up.


Saying something like, “I know I don’t usually talk about my feelings, but I’m trying to get better at it,” can help set expectations and show that you’re making an effort.


Tip: Being upfront can actually take some pressure off. Your partner will understand that you’re not used to this, and it can turn into a learning experience for both of you.


4. Practice Saying How You Feel – Not Just What Happened

When you’ve been emotionally unavailable, it’s easy to stick to the facts: “I had a rough day at work,” or “Things are fine.” But emotional communication is about digging a little deeper. It’s about sharing how those situations made you feel.


Tip: Try adding a simple emotion to your statements. Instead of “Work was tough,” try “Work was tough today, and I felt really frustrated.” It might sound small, but naming the emotion makes a big difference.


5. Listen and Share – It’s a Two-Way Street

Opening up doesn’t mean you have to carry the conversation. A lot of people feel like emotional conversations are a burden or performance. But real emotional connection happens when both partners share and listen. If your partner opens up to you, try sharing a small piece of what’s been going on with you too. It doesn’t have to be an emotional avalanche, just a step in the right direction.


Tip: Don’t focus on saying “the right thing.” Focus on listening to your partner’s feelings, then share your own. A simple, “I get how you feel, and I’ve been feeling a bit stressed lately too” can go a long way.


6. Don’t Fear the Emotional Moment – It Will Pass

You might be avoiding emotional conversations because you’re afraid it’ll turn into an intense moment or a long, drawn-out discussion. But here’s a secret: emotional moments come and go. The heavy feeling won’t last forever, and you’ll probably feel better after letting it out.


You have to take risks, stop playing safe.


Tip: If you’re worried about things getting too intense, start with a set time to talk. “Hey, can we chat for 10 minutes about how we’ve been feeling lately?” This can prevent the conversation from feeling overwhelming.


7. Set Boundaries That Work for You

Opening up doesn’t mean you need to spill every single thought and emotion at once. You’re allowed to set boundaries. If there’s something that feels too raw to talk about, it’s okay to say, “I’m not ready to dive into that just yet.” The goal is to share more, but in a way that feels manageable.


Tip: Let your partner know if you need time to process before opening up about certain topics. This way, you’re still communicating even if you’re not ready to fully express everything right away.


Quiz: Are You Ready to Open Up Emotionally?

Take this quick quiz to see where you stand when it comes to emotional communication with your partner. It’ll help you identify areas where you might want to focus more.

  1. When my partner asks how I’m feeling, I usually:

    • A) Change the subject or brush it off.

    • B) Give a brief, factual answer.

    • C) Share a little bit, but not too much.

  2. I believe that being vulnerable with my partner will:

    • A) Make me look weak or needy.

    • B) Lead to arguments.

    • C) Help us understand each other better.

  3. When I’m stressed or upset, I:

    • A) Keep it to myself.

    • B) Mention it but don’t go into details.

    • C) Share my feelings with my partner.

  4. My partner opens up to me about their feelings:

    • A) Often, but I usually don’t know how to respond.

    • B) Occasionally, and I try to listen.

    • C) Sometimes, and I wish we could talk more.

  5. When it comes to emotional conversations, I:

    • A) Avoid them at all costs.

    • B) Feel a little awkward but try to engage.

    • C) Can participate if I’m in the right headspace.

Results:

  • Mostly A’s: You’re feeling pretty closed off right now, but that’s okay. Focus on starting small and letting your partner know you’re working on it.

  • Mostly B’s: You’re getting there! You’re not totally comfortable yet, but you’re making an effort. Keep practicing sharing those small bits of emotion.

  • Mostly C’s: You’re doing well at opening up. Keep building on that by sharing more consistently and encouraging your partner to do the same.


Final Thoughts

Opening up emotionally when you’re used to holding everything inside is no small task. It can feel uncomfortable, awkward, and downright exhausting. But trust me, once you start to crack open that door, you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel—and how much closer you’ll feel to your partner.


Don’t expect to become an emotional wizard overnight. Just take it one step at a time. Before you know it, you’ll be having conversations that make you feel more connected, more understood, and more at ease in your relationship.


And remember, it’s okay to ask for help along the way. Just because you’re not used to emotional conversations doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to have them.

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