Equality in Relationships: Is it Possible?

The pursuit of equality in relationships has always been a challenging space for me, but it is something that I have always believed would be one day be possible.

I grew up in Australia in the early ‘70s, when the Women's Liberation movement was still echoing through the streets, but inside our homes, the reality was... well, let's just say, different, Mum still did everything. Housework? Check. Childcare? Check. A job on top of that? Also check. All I saw of the main woman in my life, was an over stretched Mother who continued to soldier on!

Fast forward into the history of my romantic relationships. Three serious long-term relationships, different decades of my life, each one felt like an exhausting game of tug-of-war. He’d say, “I support you working!” but also, “Why isn’t dinner ready?” The irony was not lost on me.

After a while, I was told by each of them, "you’ve changed". That was correct, I had changed. After a couple of years of being taken advantage of, I had created my tank of resentment. The inequality that I was experiencing was killing my spirit and any hope that I clung to that equality in relationships was possible, My grace tank had been drained and I could not longer overlook the inequality..

But despite all the power struggles and frustration, I never gave up on the concept of equality in relationships.

The Lightbulb Moment

Now, in my fifth decade, I’ve finally cracked the code. I am in a successful and conscious relationship. He empowers me and I empower him.

The reason why I couldn’t create equality before was that I didn’t know how to. I had never understood how to be empowered within my relationships, I always gave my power away, not wanting them to feel threatened by my own strength.

So when I turned 50 I found myself single, a little battered and a lot bruised. So I decided to try something different: I showed up as me when I met the potential boyfriend. Not the polished, over-performing, best-version-of-myself, but the real, flawed, often tired, sometimes cranky, human me. I told this potential boyfriend: "I will not love bomb you because that’s unsustainable, and I ask the same in return. Let’s build something real. Let's show up as ourselves and see what that means for us." And so we did.

Together we have built a relationship based on respect, communication, and—shockingly—actual equality. Who knew it was possible?

The Famous Irony of Relationships

Speaking of equality in relationships, let’s take a look at a famous couple that highlights the irony of it all—Barack and Michelle Obama. Now, here’s a man who was literally the leader of the free world, but according to Michelle, he couldn’t put his socks in the laundry basket.

Let that sink in.

If even Michelle had to deal with that from the most powerful man in the world, then what hope did the rest of us have? But here’s the difference: they had a foundation of communication, mutual respect, and shared values, which allowed them to work through the imbalances.

That’s the secret sauce.

The Key to a Successful Relationship is Feeling Safe

When you feel truly safe in a relationship, you can truly drop into the awesomeness of your being, truly being able to share the deepest parts of you. The foundation for my relationship is based on these core goals:

Shared belief in Equality – No one partner should carry the weight of everything. Distribute the jobs to cater to each others strengths, with discussion and respect. Know that a persons best will vary from day to day, week to week, month to month. Value each others contribution to creating a life to feel safe for each of you and express gratitude. Sharing truly is caring.
Cultivate Respect – Meet them with where they are at and only ask that they implement changes that they are comfortable with, changes that they value for the betterment of themselves. No-one changes for someone else and sustains that change, it must always be for the personal growth, if they value it.
Unconditional Love – Not to be confused with tolerating bad behavior, it's more about accepting where they are at: "I love you anyway" instead of "I love you but...". Support each other with honest love, not expecting anything in return. To share your unconditional love with someone is a gift, they do not need to be grateful for it unless they choose to, you give it because it honors who you are if you choose to give it.
Non-Judgement - Over the duration of a relationship we will all present as different versions of ourselves, allow space for each other to ebb and flow without making it some big drama. "We can talk/share when/if you are ready".
Communication – The glue that holds it all together. Listen actively, don't slip into relating. Stay present when they are sharing how they feel, giving gentle encouragement. "Can I help you with some perspective darling?" (not feeling rejected if they say no!)
Know your Deal Breakers - Leave scope for your partner to grow and expand, retract and fall, as needed for all their own experience. Discuss your deal breakers and write them down, try to leave your ego at the door. These deal breakers are guidelines and not ground for instant cancelation, unless you choose that. What do each of you truly value in a relationship, stay away from what you have been taught to believe. Unconventional relationships can be just as effective as conventional relationships.

Relationship Equality Quiz.

Answer yes or no to these questions:

Do you both contribute fairly equally to household tasks?
Does your partner acknowledge your work (paid or unpaid) as valuable?
Can you express your needs without fear of backlash?
Do you make big decisions together?
Are both of your career aspirations supported?
Is emotional expression shared and supported, to the best of each others emotional intelligence?
Do you share the organizing and remembering of things?
Do you feel valued, not just needed?
Does your partner take initiative, or do you have to ask for help constantly?
Are finances discussed openly and fairly, or do you each have the freedom to be financially independent whilst contribute fairly? (Remember if one earns more than the other, then it may not need to be 50/50, unless you both choose that.)
Do you both feel you’re getting what you need from the relationship?

If you answered “no” to more than a few, we may need to talk…

10 Tips to Create Equality in Your Relationship

Have the Conversation – Talk about what equality looks like for both of you.
Drop the Assumptions – Just because your parents did it one way doesn’t mean you have to. Ask clear questions and drop the ulterior motives.
Share the Load – Housework, childcare, emotional labor—it all counts.
Appreciate Each Other – Be present with your partner, show that you value them.
Set Boundaries – Have them flexible, but still there. Your time and energy matter too, so make sure that you take them into account.
Challenge Gender Norms – Just because you can do it all doesn’t mean you should. Learn some new skills!
Schedule Fairly – Life isn’t all work; fun and rest should be shared, too.
Support Each Other’s Growth – Careers, hobbies, self-care—make space for it. Celebrate each others successes and failures! They are both important.
Check In Regularly – Equality isn’t a set-and-forget thing, have a weekly check in.
Lead by Example – If you want to have a great partner, then you be that first, without expectation that they will follow.

The Takeaway

Equality in relationships isn’t just a nice idea—it’s possible. It takes work, self-awareness, and a partner willing to meet you there. So if you’re still in the trenches of the unequal relationship saga, know this: there’s a better way. And trust me, it’s worth the battle.