The Common Denominator: Creating Conscious Relationships
On illusions, safety, and what my son taught me about love.
The moment it clicked
It wasn't until I watched my son and his girl friend (now my daughter-in-law) together that I truly knew a healthy, conscious relationship was possible. For me.
Honestly? That one still trips my brain up a little.
Here I was, a grown woman with years of personal growth under my belt, and it took a young couple quietly loving each other healthily to show me what I'd been searching for my whole life. Not in a book. Not in a workshop. Just in the way they spoke to each other, listened to each other, and stayed soft with each other, even when things got hard.
I'm in absolute awe of them. And I'm so deeply grateful they let me watch their evolution into coupledom, from the sidelines.
The same pattern, wearing different outfits
Looking back, every struggle I had with the significant men in my life was one-sided.
I was always the one trying. Always the one compromising. Always the one quietly abandoning myself to hold onto a dream, this vague idea that if I just worked hard enough, we could build something deeply emotionally available and conscious together.
As I grew, the relationships became less destructive. in many ways. With hindsight though, I can see they were just destructive in different ways.
Same type of man. Same archetype. Same pattern. Same ending. Same abandonment of self.
Years ago, my brother asked me a question that stuck like a burr in a sheep's wool: "Jane, what's the common denominator?" The obvious answer was me. That one sat with me for a very long time.
But now I can see the real answer. The common denominator wasn't that I was broken or unlovable or giving up too easily. It was that I didn't know how to create safety within a relationship.
So I did what I knew. I gave them everything. Every part of me. I overcompensated, and I built a beautiful fairytale. But a fairytale is an illusion, and illusions eventually shatter because they simply can't be sustained.
And with every shattering, I reinforced the same old story: relationships are hard work. They're traumatic. They're full of compromise.
Now that I've finally grown up (only took a few decades, no big deal), I can look back at my younger self and really understand her. Her drive was always to live in harmony with a partner. Despite what others told her, despite what others had shown her, she never lost faith that it was possible. She was right. She just hadn't yet learned that it took courage to create something real, instead of something pretty.
Five years in, and doing it differently
Watching my son and his partner, I finally learned how to do it. And I'm now five years into a relationship with a man I share something very honest and very real with.
We set it up right from our very first meeting.
I asked all the hard questions. I showed up exactly as I am. No putting my best foot forward and hiding the rest. If this man was going to love me, he'd have to love the good, the bad and the ugly.
And every single day since, I've shown up for him with a joyful, glad heart.
To be honest, it's been harder for him than for me. He'd never had anyone show up for him so fully, and being loved like that can feel confronting when you're not used to it. But to his enormous credit, he kept choosing to do the work to be well enough for this relationship to grow.
He is, without a doubt, the most tenacious man I've ever known. I truly have hit the jackpot.
Ten ways to create an honest and real relationship
So how do you build something real instead of a beautiful illusion? Here's what I've learned, from my own mistakes and from watching two young people get it beautifully right.
Ask the hard questions early. What do they want from life? How do they handle conflict? What are their non-negotiables? What is theri sorry language? It might feel less romantic on a first date, but it saves years of heartache.
Show up as the whole you. Not just your best foot. Let them see your quirks, your wounds and your messy bits. Being loved for a highlight reel isn't the same as being loved.
Build safety before intensity. Fireworks are lovely, but a steady, safe connection is what actually lasts. Notice whether your nervous system feels calm around this person, or just excited.
Stop abandoning yourself. Compromise is healthy. Giving up your needs, values and voice to keep the peace is not. If you're always the one bending, something's out of balance.
Say the true thing, kindly. Honesty doesn't have to be brutal. Share what you feel and need, even when your voice wobbles. Small truths told often prevent big explosions later.
Let it be a two-way street. A real relationship needs two people willing to show up. You can't love someone into doing the work. You can only meet them in it.
Drop the fairytale. Notice when you're creating a story about who they could be, rather than seeing who they are right now. Love the real person in front of you.
Repair, don't just move on. Every couple has ruptures. What matters is coming back together afterwards to say "I'm sorry", "I hear you", and "let's try that again".
Show up with a glad heart, every day. Small, consistent acts of joy and care build more trust than grand gestures ever could. A cuppa made just how they like it says a lot.
Find your role models. If you didn't grow up seeing healthy love, look for it now. A friend, a couple, a family member. Watch how they speak, listen and repair. Sometimes the teacher turns out to be your own kid.
The new common denominator
If you're reading this and recognising your own pattern, you may not be the problem. You might just not have been shown how to create safety yet. And that can be learned. At any age. I'm living proof.
These days, when I ask myself what the common denominator is, the answer still makes me smile. It's still me. Only now, it's a version of me who knows her worth, tells the truth, and chooses something real over something pretty.
To my son and my beautiful daughter-in-law: thank you. You taught your mum something she'd been searching for her whole life.
With love,
Elaya-Jane
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