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Loving Without Losing Yourself

Writer's picture: Jane McGarveyJane McGarvey

Navigating a Relationship With a Partner Who Lacks Natural Empathy


As an extremely sensitive soul, I’ve always felt deeply—perhaps too deeply at times!


Emotions run through me like an unfiltered current, shaping my experiences and connections. I realize that this is a soul gift that enables me to be in tune with people at a very deep level. I don't exactly "live" my life, I feel it.


My partner, on the other hand, approaches emotions differently. He is not cruel or unkind; in fact, he is generous and attentive with his love and affection. But when it comes to natural empathy and remorse, he struggles. He doesn’t feel things in the moment. It takes time, effort, and often deep reflection before he reaches a point of true understanding.


By the time he gets there, I’m often already devastated.


This dynamic is not new to me though.


In my younger years, I either didn’t notice or didn’t place importance on the absence of immediate empathy. But as I step further into this season of life, I feel more battle-worn. I am conscious of patterns, aware of my emotional needs, and hesitant to ignore wounds that have yet to fully heal. I adore my relationship, but I also need to know: Can I grow old with this man without losing pieces of myself in the process?


Why Do Some People Lack Natural Empathy?


Empathy is often thought of as an innate trait, but in reality, it exists on a spectrum. Some people are naturally wired to feel the emotions of others as if they were their own, while others need to engage in a conscious process of understanding. This can be due to a variety of factors:

  • Neurology: Some individuals simply process emotions differently. Their brains may not make immediate emotional connections, leading to delayed responses.

  • Upbringing & Environment: If emotional expression wasn’t modeled in childhood, a person may not have developed strong empathetic instincts.

  • Emotional Defense Mechanisms: Some people have learned, often unconsciously, to protect themselves by distancing from emotions in the moment. This doesn’t mean they don’t care—it just means their emotional processing takes longer.

In my partner’s case, I don’t ever doubt his love. But love, in its purest form, isn’t always enough—it’s needs to also be about understanding, attunement, and the ability to hold space for another person’s emotions in real time.


Finding a Path Forward


If I am to grow old with this man, as I truly want to do, I need to find ways to navigate this challenge without feeling unseen in times of sad emotions.





Here are a few approaches that I am currently implementing:


1. Clearly Expressing My Emotional Needs

Instead of assuming he “should” just know how I feel, I’ve started verbalizing it in a way that is direct but not accusatory:💬 “When I’m hurt, I need you to acknowledge it in the moment. Even if you don’t fully understand why I feel the way I do, simply saying ‘I see you, and I care’ helps.”


2. Creating a ‘Pause and Process’ Agreement

Because his empathy is often retrospective, we’ve talked about implementing a practice where, after a difficult conversation, he checks back in with me.💬 “I know you need time to process emotions. Can we agree that, after some reflection, you’ll come back to me and share your thoughts?”

This helps bridge the gap between my immediate emotions and his delayed understanding.


3. Helping Him Develop Empathy Muscles

Empathy is like a muscle—it can be strengthened with practice. Instead of expecting him to feel immediately, I encourage him to imagine my experience.💬 “If the roles were reversed, how would you feel? Even if you wouldn’t react the same way, can you understand why this affects me?”

By guiding him toward perspective-taking rather than demanding a certain emotional response, I create space for him to grow without feeling pressured.


4. Recognizing His Strengths in the Relationship

While I need emotional validation, I also need to acknowledge what he does bring to our relationship. He is loving. He is present. He shows up in ways that matter.💬 “I see how much you love me, and I appreciate that. This isn’t about doubting your love—it’s about deepening our connection.”

By affirming his strengths, I reinforce that this is about growth, not blame.


5. Asking Myself the Hard Questions

At the end of the day, I have to be honest with myself:

  • Can I accept his emotional processing style without feeling emotionally starved?

  • Are his actions (even if delayed) enough to make me feel safe and valued?

  • Am I making space for my own emotional well-being, or am I constantly managing his growth?


Because love should not feel like a constant uphill battle.


The Grace of Growing Old Together


Both of us deeply value the idea of growing old together. But longevity in love isn’t just about staying—it’s about staying well. It’s about building a relationship where both partners feel seen, understood, and cherished. If we are to walk this path hand in hand, we must find a rhythm that honors both his processing time and my emotional needs.


Love alone won’t carry us through. But love, paired with understanding, patience, and a willingness to evolve, just might.


And so, with a heart that feels deeply and a mind that seeks clarity, I take each step forward with intention—hoping, trusting, and believing that we can find a way to grow old together with grace.


My wish for you, the reader, is that you also find this level of peace within your own relationships.

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