The Art of Conflicting Effectively

Why We Chase Our Tails in Conflict (and How to Stop)

Don’t you hate it when you quarrel with someone and all they seem to do is justify their own perspective?

What is with that?

What does it really say about them?

And—if I’m honest—what does it really say about me?

It’s like watching two people run in circles, each chasing their own tail, neither getting anywhere useful. I find it incredibly counterproductive.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve spent a lifetime doing the exact same thing—blaming others and justifying my perspective—until I chose to pull myself up on my shitty behaviour.. For the past several years, I’ve been living very consciously with my communication. A big part of that process was learning to stop defending myself like I was on a debate team. The moment I stopped arguing from my perspective, something shifted: I stepped out of the power struggle.

It’s almost like I now stand beside it rather than inside it. I still have my say, but I try to validate and acknowledge the other person’s point of view. I try to listen for the storyline underneath—the emotional thread fuelling the tension.

Of course, I’m still human. I still let my mouth run ahead of my mindfulness at times. But now, I don’t make it wrong. I have compassion for myself and acknowledge my part in the breakdown. And that changes everything.

The Psychology Behind Why We Justify and Defend

When we justify, we’re not really trying to explain—we’re trying to protect. Underneath every defensive comment is an unspoken fear:

• I don’t want to be wrong.

• I don’t want to feel small or unseen.

• I don’t want to lose love, respect, or control.

  
  

Our nervous system interprets disagreement as danger. The brain’s amygdala kicks in, and suddenly we’re fighting for survival instead of seeking understanding. That’s why we start “lawyering up” with words—collecting evidence, cross-examining, and defending our case.

But conscious communication isn’t about winning the argument.It’s about staying connected—especially when it’s uncomfortable.

When we justify, we might temporarily protect our ego, but we disconnect from truth, empathy, and intimacy. And when we stop justifying, something remarkable happens: the whole dynamic softens. You can actually feel the tension dissolve.

Quarrel without the Power Struggles

Top 10 Strategies for Quarreling Consciously (Without Power Struggles)

1. Pause before you respond.

   When you feel heat rising, take a breath. A three-second pause can change the entire tone of a conversation.

2. Own your part.

   Even if it’s just 2%, acknowledging your role in the conflict creates safety for the other person to do the same.

3. Validate, even if you disagree.

   Saying “I can see how you’d feel that way” doesn’t mean you agree—it just means you’re listening.

4. Speak from “I” statements.

   Replace “You always…” with “I feel…” to move from accusation to authenticity.

5. Lower your volume, raise your awareness.

   Calm tones regulate both your nervous systems. When you breathe slower, the argument slows down too.

6. Don’t rush repair.

   Some conflicts need space before they can be resolved. Allow emotions to settle.

7. Stay out of ‘the story’

   .Focus on the present issue, not past grievances. The ego loves to collect receipts.

8. Ask curious questions.

   Try: “Can you help me understand what this feels like for you?” Curiosity melts defensiveness.

9. Breathe consciously through discomfort.

   Let your body become the anchor when your mind wants to attack or withdraw.

10. End with compassion.

    Even if you can’t resolve the argument, wish the other person peace in your heart. That’s real power.

    
    

A Guided Meditation for Safe Communication

(Approx. 6–8 minutes — perfect for when emotions are still raw.)

Begin by finding a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Place one hand over your heart, and the other over your solar plexus.

Take a deep, slow breath — in through your heart, and out through your solar plexus. Let’s do that together four times: Breathe in through the heart… and out through the solar plexus. In through the heart… out through the solar plexus. Again…And once more…

Now allow your breathing to find its natural rhythm.

Feel the warmth of your hands — your own energy, your own presence — bringing you back into your body.

Bring to mind the person you’ve recently quarreled with. See them standing before you, not as an adversary, but as another human being doing their best to be understood. Notice any emotions that arise — irritation, sadness, disappointment.L et them be here. You don’t need to fix or resist them. Just breathe through your heart and out through your solar plexus.

Now silently say to them:“I see your pain. I see your need to be understood. I see how hard you’re trying. ”And then: “I see my pain. I see my need to be understood. I see how hard I am trying.”

Breathe through your heart… and let compassion expand between you like a golden light. It doesn’t mean you’re agreeing or excusing anything — it just means you’re releasing the tension that keeps you both stuck.

When you’re ready, bring in the Ho‘oponopono prayer, softly repeating each phrase:

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Imagine these words flowing between you — clearing the discord, softening the charge, returning both of you to peace. Let that golden light dissolve any cords of resentment or judgment.Feel yourself becoming lighter, freer, softer.

Now breathe in through the heart… and out through the solar plexus one final time.

Place both hands back on your heart and whisper to yourself: “I choose peace.” “I choose understanding.” “I choose love.”

When you’re ready, open your eyes and return to the room.

Closing Thoughts

Conscious communication isn’t about never quarreling again. It’s about quarrelling well — with awareness, respect, and heart.

Every disagreement is an opportunity to practice love in a more mature form. And when you stop chasing your tail, you realize:It’s not about being right — it’s about being real.