The Truth about Unconditional Love

Loving Unconditionally Without Losing Yourself: The Fine Line Between Acceptance and Self-Abandonment

We often hear that true love is unconditional. That to love someone deeply means we accept them fully, flaws and all. But in relationships—especially long-term ones—we sometimes find ourselves stuck in a fog of confusion:

Am I loving unconditionally, or am I tolerating something that actually hurts me?

A client of mine has been circling this very dilemma for a while, and to be honest, it’s one of those slippery concepts that even the most emotionally intelligent among us wrestle with. There’s a difference between holding space for growth and holding your breath in the name of love. So let’s gently and courageously pull this apart.

What Is Unconditional Love?

Unconditional love is often misunderstood. It isn’t a blank cheque for someone to treat you however they please. Rather, it’s a frequency of love that says:

“I see the whole of you—even the messy parts—and I still care deeply for your wellbeing. I won’t withdraw my love when you’re struggling, and I don’t love you only when you meet my expectations.”

Unconditional love is about the lover, not the loved. It’s a reflection of your inner state, your spiritual maturity, your choice to be love regardless of what is happening around you. You choose to love without condition because it aligns with who you are.

But—and this is a vital distinction—unconditional love is not unconditional access.

What Is Accepting Shitty Behaviour in the Name of Love?

When we slide into accepting behaviour that causes harm—be it emotional withdrawal, manipulation, broken promises, or consistent disrespect—we’re not practicing unconditional love. We’re often practicing unconscious self-abandonment.

This can sound like:

• “He didn’t mean it, he’s just under stress.”

• “If I just love her harder, she’ll change.”

• “Maybe I’m being too sensitive.”

  
  

Sound familiar? Most of us learned these patterns in childhood, where love was often tangled up with inconsistency or emotional neglect. So we normalized discomfort. We learned that proving our love meant putting ourselves last.

But here’s the truth: accepting harmful behaviour doesn’t make you more loving—it makes you more disconnected from yourself.

So How Do You Tell the Difference?

This is where we get spiritual and actionable. Differentiating between loving unconditionally and enabling poor behaviour requires radical self-honesty.

Here are 5 powerful questions to help you discern:

1. Does loving this person require me to silence my needs or intuition?

Unconditional love expands both people. If you are consistently contracting to maintain the connection, that’s not love—it’s survival.

2. Am I holding space or holding pain?

Holding space feels like grounded presence. Holding pain feels like chronic exhaustion and resentment. You can offer love and support without absorbing someone else’s drama.

3. Am I enabling or empowering?

Empowering someone means believing in their ability to grow and holding them accountable with kindness. Enabling is rescuing them from consequences so they don’t feel uncomfortable.

4. Is my love rooted in faith or fear?

Are you staying because you trust the potential of your connection—or because you’re afraid of being alone, unloved, or starting over?

5. Can I love myself fully and love this person fully?

If loving them costs you your self-worth, peace, or inner safety, that’s not unconditional love. That’s a spiritual bypass.

How to Practice Unconditional Love While Honouring Yourself

Now that we’ve clarified the difference, the real work begins. You can absolutely be a loving partner and a clear boundary-holder.

Here’s how:

💛 Stay Connected to Your Inner Truth

Keep checking in with yourself. Journal. Meditate. Ask your body what it’s holding. The moment you feel confusion or contraction, pause. Unconditional love flows through clarity, not confusion.

🛑 Set Compassionate Boundaries

Boundaries are not walls. They are the instructions for how to love you best. You can say, “I love you, and I won’t tolerate being spoken to that way.”

This isn’t punishment; it’s guidance.

🌿 Hold Space, Don’t Force Change

It’s okay to desire your partner’s growth. But you’re not their parent, therapist, or saviour. You can say, “I see what’s possible for you, and I trust your process.”

Let them choose their timing.

🧘🏽‍♀️ Release Control, Not Standards

Unconditional love releases the need to control outcomes. But it doesn’t mean you should lower your standards.

You can hold high standards and high love.

🌕 Remember: You Are Not Meant to Suffer to Prove Love

If you are enduring a relationship rather than enjoying it, something is misaligned.

Spiritual love does not ask you to betray your own soul.

The Mirror of Partnership

At the heart of this is the sacred mirror that partnership offers. If you’re seeing something in your partner that deeply bothers you, ask: Where do I still need to come home to myself?

And if you’re witnessing their growth and feel unsure how to support them without losing yourself, remember this:

You can love someone unconditionally while still choosing conditions that keep your heart safe.

That’s the beautiful paradox of real love—it’s unconditional in spirit, but discerning in practice.

Final Reflection

If you’ve been stuck, unsure whether your love is pure or self-sacrificing, start here:

• Return to your truth.

• Reclaim your sovereignty.

• Rebuild your boundaries with compassion.

• Release the story that love means suffering.

  
  

Let your love be a sanctuary—not a sacrifice.

And if you’re wondering whether your partner will meet you in this kind of conscious love, give them space—but give yourself the freedom to flourish either way.

You are not here to earn love.

You are love.

🌬️ Guided Meditation: Loving Without Losing Yourself

(Approx. 5 minutes)

Begin by finding a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes, soften your shoulders, and gently bring your hands to rest on your lower belly.

We’ll begin with five deep tummy breaths. Inhale slowly through your nose for 4 seconds…1…2…3…4…Hold for a moment. Now exhale softly through your mouth for 6 seconds…1…2…3…4…5…6…

(Repeat for 4 more cycles)

Keep this slow rhythm going. In for 4… out for 6…

As your breath settles, let your awareness drop into your body.

Feel your belly rise and fall beneath your hands.

With each exhale, release any tightness in the chest, jaw, or shoulders.

Let go. Let go. Let go.

Now bring to mind someone you love deeply.

Maybe your partner, a child, a close friend.

Feel the warmth of your love for them in your heart space.

Let that warmth expand… fill your chest… and soften your breath.

Now ask yourself gently:

Can I love this person and love myself at the same time?

Can I honour their path while staying loyal to mine?

Let the answers rise naturally. No force. No judgment.

Continue breathing: In for 4… Out for 6… Grounded. Present. Whole.

Now visualize a golden light surrounding you—your own sacred energy.

This light represents your boundaries, your truth, your self-respect.

It doesn’t push anyone out, but it clearly defines where you end and they begin.

Say silently: “My love is strong, and so am I.”

Feel your love flowing outward, and your self-worth flowing inward.

“I can love unconditionally and still choose what is right for me.”

Take one more deep belly breath in… and out.

When you’re ready, slowly bring your awareness back into the room.

Wiggle your fingers. Roll your shoulders. Open your eyes.

You are here. You are love. You are safe.

🔮 Thymus Tapping Affirmations (Morning & Night)

(Tap gently over your thymus—center of the chest, just below the collarbones—while saying each affirmation out loud.)

1. I can love others deeply without losing myself.

2. I honour my boundaries and speak my truth with love.

3. It is safe for me to receive love and still say no.

4. I trust others to grow in their own time—and I trust myself to choose wisely.

5. My love is unconditional, and my standards are sacred.

6. I am both soft and strong—I do not need to choose.

   
   

Repeat these affirmations every morning and every night while tapping the thymus to activate your heart and immune system, and to reinforce energetic integrity in your relationships.